Etiquette at clubs and private parties

Ask first, every time

The one rule that matters more than any other is to ask before you touch anyone, and wait for a clear yes. That applies to a hand on a shoulder at the bar as much as anything in a play area. A smile or eye contact is not a yes. Neither is being in an open room, wearing very little, or having said yes to someone else earlier in the night.

Ask simply and directly. If the answer is no, or a hesitant maybe, smile, say "no problem" and move on. Our guide to consent in practice goes into asking and answering in more detail.

Example lines that work:

• "Hi, we're new here. Mind if we join you at the bar?"
• "Would you like to join us?"
• "Are you happy for us to watch for a bit?"
• "Can I put my hand here?"

What the signals usually mean

Clubs use simple signals so people can say yes or no without a word. They vary between venues, and the tour or the house rules will tell you the local version, but these are the usual meanings.

Watching has its own manners

Watching is welcome at most venues, but there is a difference between a welcome audience and an intrusive one.

• Read the door. Open usually means watchers are welcome; closed means private. Never open a closed door to look in.
• Keep your distance. Stay in the doorway or the viewing area, not at the foot of the bed.
• Keep quiet. No commentary, no laughing, no loud conversations about what you are seeing.
• Don't touch yourself or others unless that is clearly acceptable in that space and with those people.
• Leave when asked, and leave without being asked if the people you are watching seem uncomfortable.
• Don't follow people from room to room.

If watching is your main interest, our explainer on exhibitionism and voyeurism covers how good venues make room for it.

Phones and photos

Keep your phone in your locker, your bag or your car. Most venues ban phones in play areas, and many prefer them out of sight everywhere except the entrance. A phone held up near a play area will make everyone around you nervous, whether or not it is recording.

Never photograph or film anyone without their clear, specific agreement. Recording people in a private act without consent is a crime in every country we cover. Our privacy guide explains why images are the biggest privacy risk on the scene.

Couples and singles

Couples are a pair. An invitation from one partner is not a yes from the other, and if either partner says no, it's no. If you are part of a couple, check in with each other before saying yes to anyone, and stick to what you agreed before you arrived.

Single men are welcome at many venues on set nights, and the ones who are welcomed back share a few habits: they are friendly at the bar, they introduce themselves once and accept the answer, and they never hover, follow or stand too close. Being polite and easy to say no to makes you far more likely to hear yes.

Single women often find themselves approached a lot. You are entitled to say no as often as you like, to sit at the bar all night, and to ask staff for help if someone won't take the hint.

Private parties have a few extra rules

A private party is someone's event, often in a hired space or a home, so you are a guest rather than a customer. On top of everything above:

• Keep the address to yourself. Many hosts send it only to confirmed guests, close to the day. Don't forward it.
• Arrive in the window you're given, and don't bring anyone who isn't on the guest list.
• Follow the host's house rules exactly, including on drink, phones and which rooms are in use.
• Respect the neighbours. Arrive and leave quietly, and don't hang around outside.
• Thank the host, and if you can't make it after all, tell them in good time.

If a "party" asks for payment before telling you anything about the host, the rules or the venue, read our guide to spotting fake events before you pay.

Drink, hygiene and protection

• Drink in moderation. Being merry is fine; being drunk is not. Consent needs both the freedom and the capacity to choose, and staff will ask drunk guests to leave.
• No drugs. Most venues have a zero-tolerance policy and will remove anyone using them.
• Shower on arrival and between partners if the venue has facilities.
• Use condoms, change them between partners, and bring your own even if the venue provides them.
• Clear up after yourself. Use the bins, take a fresh towel and leave a space as you would want to find it.

Common first-night mistakes

Most etiquette slips are innocent, and most are easy to avoid:

1. Turning up on a night that doesn't admit you, because you didn't check.
2. Heading straight for the play areas instead of spending time at the bar first.
3. Standing too close, or too long, at an open door.
4. Taking a couple's friendliness at the bar as an invitation to the bedroom.
5. Asking the same person twice in one night.
6. Checking a phone near a play area "just for the time".

Saying no kindly, and hearing it gracefully

You will say no to people, and people will say no to you. Both are routine. Polite ways to decline include:

• "No, thank you."
• "We're just watching tonight."
• "Not for us, but have a good night."

You don't owe anyone a reason. When you hear no, the right response is "no problem" or a nod, and then you move on. Trying again later, asking why, or getting someone else to ask on your behalf all count as pressure.

Talk to the staff

Hosts and staff are there to keep the night running and the rules enforced. Tell them straight away if someone touches you without asking, ignores a no, uses a phone in a play area or seems too drunk to be there. Our safety guide covers what to do if something more serious happens.

Discretion outside the venue

What happens at the club stays at the club. Don't name people you met there, don't describe them to friends in a way that identifies them, and if you recognise someone in the supermarket, let them decide whether to say hello. Most people on the scene keep it private, and respecting that is part of the deal.

Ready to find somewhere? Our venue guides list clubs, parties and events by city, and your first club visit explains what the night actually looks like.