Consent at clubs and parties: asking, answering and changing your mind

What consent means when the room is full of willing people

Consent is a person's free, informed agreement to a specific sexual act, at that moment. A lifestyle club or private party is a room full of adults who chose to be there, which is what makes it safer than any public place. It does not mean anyone in the room has agreed to anything with you.

Consent at a venue works the same way it does anywhere else. It is:

• Clear. A spoken yes, or an unmistakable invitation, not a guess based on someone's clothes, their body language or where they are standing.
• Freely given. No pressure, no repeated asking, no guilt.
• Specific. A yes to watching is not a yes to joining. A yes to kissing is not a yes to anything else. A yes to one person is not a yes to their friend.
• Ongoing. It can be withdrawn at any moment, including halfway through.
• Given with capacity. Someone who is very drunk, high or half asleep cannot give it.

Our consent policy sets out what we expect of the venues we list. This guide is about how it works between people on the night.

What a yes covers, and what it doesn't

A yes covers one thing, with the people who agreed to it, for as long as they keep agreeing. Most misunderstandings at clubs come from stretching a yes further than it was given.

The idea of an open door is covered in more depth in our guide to exhibitionism and voyeurism, which explains how watching and being watched work when everyone has agreed to it.

How to ask without making it awkward

The best way to ask is short, direct and easy to say no to. Experienced guests expect to be asked, and a confident, friendly question goes down far better than hovering. These are examples, not scripts:

• "Would you mind if we watched?"
• "Would you like some company?"
• "Is it all right if I touch your shoulder?"
• "Do you want to carry on, or shall we stop there?"

Ask before each new thing, not just at the start. If the answer is anything other than a clear yes, including "maybe later", silence, a shrug or a glance at their partner, treat it as no. Thank them and move on. Never ask the same person twice in one evening after a no; if they change their mind, they know where to find you.

How to answer, including no

You never owe anyone a yes, an explanation or a second chance to ask. These all work, and none of them needs a reason:

• "No, thank you."
• "Just watching tonight."
• "Not for me, but enjoy your night."
• "We're keeping it to ourselves this evening."

Some venues use agreed signals to make no easier to give without words, such as a hand on a partner's arm, a closed door or a sign on a room. The welcome tour on your first club visit is the time to ask what a venue uses. A spoken no always overrides any signal.

Changing your mind

Either person can stop at any point: before, during or a minute after saying yes. The moment someone says stop, pulls away or goes quiet and still, stop, check in and don't restart unless they clearly say so.

Don't sulk, argue or ask why. Accepting a no gracefully is the reason people feel safe saying yes to you another time, and on a small local scene, people talk about who makes them feel safe.

Couples: agree the rules before you walk in

Couples should settle their limits at home, not at the bar. Agree:

1. What each of you is comfortable with tonight: watching, being watched, touching, more, or nothing at all.
2. Whether you play together, separately in the same room, or not with others at all.
3. A signal for "pause" and one for "let's go home", and that either of you can use them without discussion.
4. What happens if one of you wants to stop: you both stop, and you talk about it later.

Then stick to it. Changing the rules mid-evening without your partner's agreement is a common way for a good night to go wrong. Each partner consents for themselves: anyone approaching a couple needs a yes from both. Our etiquette guide covers how singles can approach couples politely.

Drink, drugs and capacity

Capacity means being clear-headed enough to understand and choose. A drink or two can help nerves; several can take away someone's ability to consent, and you won't always know how much someone else has had. If a person is slurring, unsteady, confused or falling asleep, they cannot consent, whatever they said earlier.

Step back and, if they seem unwell, find a member of staff. Our safety guide has more on looking after yourself and others on the night, including drink spiking.

Condoms and protection are part of the agreement

If someone agrees to sex with a condom, that is the agreement. Removing or tampering with a condom without their knowledge breaks it. Victoria's affirmative consent laws name this, often called stealthing, as a situation where a person has not consented. Agree on protection before anything starts, and if you're not sure, ask.

How the law defines consent in our countries

The laws are worded differently, but they agree on the essentials: consent is a free choice, it is about the specific act, and it can be withdrawn.

This is a summary for a night out, not legal advice.

If someone ignores a no

1. Get away from them. Move to the bar, a staffed area or the exit.
2. Tell staff straight away. Good venues remove people who break consent rules and will help you get home.
3. Call the police if you have been assaulted or feel in danger: 999 in the UK, 911 in the US and Canada, 000 in Australia.
4. Get support, whether or not you report it.

If a venue on our list failed to act when you raised a problem, please tell us through our contact page. We take that into account when we re-check listings.